First of all you are not alone in feeling this way. After being in therapy there are times when I still feel this way, I deserve to be punished. The thing is that I don't have to act on them and that has made a big difference.

I agree with what has been said about reading the above posts and if you are not working with a therapist this might be a great time to find one.

I know for me it was at the root of what I believed about myself, that I was a "bad person" and derserve to be punished. SI in many forms beyond cutting helped me make sure that I punished myself. As long as I hold onto those beliefs I don't have to admit that what happened to me as a child was not my fault and that is really hard. It's what held my world together and provided me with some illusion of control. As long as I was the evil person then I could put some order in my life. I hope that make sense.

There is a great book my therapist suggested that I start reading - "There is nothing wrong with you" by Cheri Huber.

It is a very simple book to read and she writes it in a fun way but it is impactful and has helped me to realize that I can get through these core beliefs and find others that will help me in my life.

You are not evil, a loser, a failure, a bad person or anything else you mind can come up with. Sounds like you are taking a big step towards getting better by being willing to post and share with us and want to start to shed those beliefs you have understandably held onto.