I do go crawling back to people that are just like my adoptive family.. It's stupid, but it's because they're the people I'm so used to being around.. :-/
I allow the wrong love too.. I mean.. I allowed the right love with Connor, because he does indeed care about me like crazy and he loves me, too.. He hates it when I cry, to see me hurting so much.. I broke down today, I apologised, saying.. "I'm sorry baby.. I'm just so on edge at the moment and I.. I.. Sigh. I don't know.. I'm just really on edge and upset at the moment. Sorry". He told me not to apologise and asked what's wrong.. I couldn't tell him, I just felt so unable. I didn't want him to see me cry.. And on the rare day I'd worn makeup as well, it's always the way.. I didn't cry for long, though. I hid my face, knowing that if I carried on, I wouldn't stop for a while.

It never happens, does it.. They just don't see where they're wrong, not us.. They blame us instead, they put the blame on us to save them feeling guilty. They shout to release the frustration at them feeling guilty, to shout at us that we should feel guilty. So we do

They played so many games.. So, so many.. Everytime someone came over, they'd either make me go to my room, or send me away with their kids.. Or, if they couldn't get rid of me, they'd be really nice to me in front of the visitor(s) and show off their power over me, by ordering me to do things.. The visitor(s) saw nothing wrong with it, but that's because of how subtley they'd play those games.. After that, I'd get the beat. For not just staying out of the way, or for talking, or not standing in the right place, in the right stance. Ugh..

How can I not let my own twin back in? It hurts.. So, so much.. I don't know what to do.. My old counsellor made me feel like I was wrong for not letting them back in, for not forgiving them.. One of the nurses at the hospital once said "do you never think that it's partly your fault?" I hated her for that. She also started taking the p*ss out of my SI, started singing and said write a song about it, and she sang about how I really wanted to cut my arms and stuff. Made me sick. I hate her. All my time out of there, I've been told by others "It's not your fault. None of it's your fault. It's their fault. They're evil, manipulative, nasty people. Blah blah blah." But as soon as people say "have you ever thought it's actually your fault?" I zone in on it, and start to blame myself again. Stop the self affirmations, ignore what others say and listen to the few people, professionals, that have told me it's my fault.

Bleh.
The starve starts tomorrow. Connor doesn't know why I asked him to buy me celery. Good thing in my eyes, but bad thing if I want to recover. I just.. I can't face up to it all when it's screaming at me.

I do have a good guy with Connor. He's amazing. He's the main Man in my life that has made me feel even half of the strength I am. He's kept me going this long. Without him, I'd be nothing. Gone. Dead. I love him so much, I hate to hurt him, but every time I start to get better, someone says or does something, or something happens and I crash again. When will this stupid, stupid crashing stop? When will the evil STOP?!