Everything is triggering me.

Seeing that notice about the eviction fund is really doing a doozy on me. I had an eviction notice last year, and it was the LAST straw to break the camel's back....and I slit my wrist open. One year ago next month. (Long story, but we weren't evicted).

We will be moving next month....and we haven't found a place yet...haven't been looking....can't stand feeling this way.

I can't work...I can't be around people...I have to pretend that I'm normal....

I saw a blooper on Jay Leno....newspaper ad for "Boneless Arms"...probably meant Boneless Ham....but threw me back into SwissAir crash....

I just gave away all my nursing books and supplies....even stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, IV hook-ups, wound kit.....EVERYTHING. Nothing left to show I was in nursing. Such a total failure. I gave it all to a nursing student this morning. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth....my future....now gone.

I have nothing. Do I go back to my abusive hubby? I have nothing. We are moving away, still on Welfare....instead of becoming a productive member of society.

I want to close my eyes and spin and spin....to stand on the ledge of my window and close my eyes....to spin and spin....

I have to pop pills to maintain any sense of balance....without them, I would be swimming in my blood.

A plane went overhead this evening.....a LifeFlight helicopter went overhead last night....sirens in the city....and the cool air outside my window.

I want to snap my fingers and be already in our new apartment. I don't want to go through all this anxiety!!! It is trying to crawl out of my tummy. I just want to hug myself and moan. I can't stand this. I don't like this.

And I've been going CRAZY with the Visa the past few days! I just want to be able to buy my kids all the clothes they would like to have. I can't stop spending....and it doesn't help relieve my tension, even though that's why I'm spending.....
Sorry for rambling.

Sandy