Things are really difficult. This depression has really dragged me under and i really need someone to understand. I feel i'm battling everything.

I have a therapist, she's only just realised that i'm self harming, (as in she knew i did but didn't really focus on it), but now she is wanting to talk about other help that can be offered. I don't know what this means. If i was truthful i would say that i believe this means she'll stop seeing me and something else will be brought in instead that will fall through and i'll have noone again. That's what usually happens. She wants to have a conversation with me about it all but i'm so very tired, and i don't want to think of solutions. I don't want to be good and sensible, i want to scream at her and everyone. I'm not very good at talking or revealing my emotions in real life.

Things are really bad with my parents right now. They found out i was cutting and reacted by telling my therapist (hence her realisation) and talking to our GP. I feel noone is listening to me. I understand my parents are worried and upset, but i'm so low i don't want any help. They talk between themselves and do things without my knowledge. My dad told me my mum went to our GP for her own reasons - e.g. she is stressed out and needed help to know how to deal with it all and that i was given an appt because of the things she brought up with the dr. I just think if the drs appt was for help for her then don't bring me into it!!

I understand everyone wants to help, and i can imagine it is very hard to watch me do this to myself, but i feel so isolated and betrayed. They tell me they are sorry and they don't have a manual to go by in order to do things right...then i feel bad for making them so upset, and yet so angry too. They say all the right words, but i am emotionally drowning and i cannot connect with them.

I don't want to feel this depressed but i don't want help either because i don't see the point in trying. I could tell everyone what they want to hear, i could say 'thanks, having this appt makes it easier for me because i don't have to make one myself' - but it would all be lies. I don't want to see a dr again, ultimately i want to be alone.

I know that this won't help me, i understand my parents good intentions but please will someone hear me for once! I feel so alone. I have my therapist telling me we need a conversation to work out the best help to offer me, i have my parents trying to move the situation onwards, and now i'll have a dr telling me it may be beneficial to take the ADs again. I have all this bombarding me and i just feel like screaming at them all to leave me alone because i don't believe in any of it. Ultimately it will come down to what it always has - my own willpower. And i've run out of that. Why does noone understand that?

I don't have anything to offer myself let alone anyone else. This depression is making me so utterly selfish that i can't even thank those that want to help me - i just push them away further. I sit on my own night after night because being with others makes me feel even more disconnected than i do already.

It isn't that i don't want to get better but i'm too tired to try. I just don't see the point anymore - i've been to drs before, i've tried the 'fake it till you make it' idea, i've tried distraction etc etc.....but i've always end up back here.

I'm surrounded by people but noone listens. I feel that unless i tell them what they want to hear they never will. I feel pain because i'm causing stress when i never meant to cause any. But i've lied for so long, i've pretended so much, and these are the thoughts that have been going through my mind for so long. They're not nice, and i know people don't want to hear them; all they want to talk about is ways to 'get better', but i can't pretend for others anymore.

I'm sorry, i wrote a lot.

I'm just so sad and the pain is immense.

I'm tired.