the other day i had a dream that scared the crap out of me.
it was back to when i was about 4 or 5 and my older cousin (he died a few years ago) sexually abused me. i was at my friends house and i woke up screaming and her brothers came running up stairs. i told them it was nothing. but i was terrified. i had pushed that memory back for almost 13 years and it had to hit me at the worst time. i was so upset and angry at myself that i went into her bathroom after she went back to sleep and sliced my inner thigh, the inside of my upper arm and my lower stomach. i threw up all morning and wanted to die. the next day was monday and i had school so i was planning on talking to a friend i have that knows more about my situation than anyone. but he wasnt there so i ditched class and went to cut and smoke behind our gym. i felt so bad and like i had no one to turn to. i feel like its all my fault.

erin