Pre planned out come. And add to that .

" l'll start tommorow." that let me have the last biggest binge because It was going to be the last . Only it never was .

I had to make the desision I was no longer going to purge.
Purging wasn't an option any more. It is in fact an out. It cheating .

If Purging wasn't an option then I guess 'have to think twice about having a bag of anything near by if it gave me problems.

I asked myself what i wanted for myself.
I didn't want to compulsively over eat because i didn't want to deal with all that goes with it the health and how i felt about my self attractiveness. Thats what got me started in the first place. I didn't have help or options on how to handel the food. I didn't know there was such a thing as compulsive over eating that it a disease a disorder and addiction.

For me it just as Mackleo said. Its "taste" driven. It always was for me from birth . If it tastes good I get triggered. and something lights up in the brain and says More . Huger has nothing to do with it.

not sitting there asking myself if Im full yet or not. If its a box of oatmeal cookies and they are good ones Im reaching for more.

Even today I have to be willing to throw away half a box if Im working on it .

better to throw it in the trash than throw it up . same outcome any hoo.

Ive even put motor oil on stuff so I wouldn't retrieve it . Thats when I was first getting abstinate. Its called willing to go to any lenghts.
and

If someone gifted me something even after I said no it went in the closest trash can . One time I hurled it out of my car window. I figured the birds would find it. gormet ! yippeee!!!!!

I can binge on fat free sugar free food . If it tastes great I'm off the the races.

And sometmes all I want to do is stuff my face when that happens.

It doesn't go away . I still have that to deal with . It probably never will.

I don't give three sheets to any kind of wind what anyone thinks or says about this. I know me and my body and what happens. For some they may not have this sensitivity. I do .

if I get in that danger zone of eating too much the purge comes into the act .

I used to have binge purge dreams for many yaers after I stopped. I' d wake up shaking thinking I did it.

Thats true powerlessness . when your subconcious acts it out. I wasn't happy about that . I really thought I had had a slip.

Im scared of it for good reason. I take thus stuff very seriously .
and I DO NOT want to get to that point anymore .

Once your out of it you don't want to go back there.

I wanted a sane eating life of little worry and little focusing on food being around it handeling it and making it for others.

And its not something I care to divulge to others unless its absolutely nessesary.

Thats what I need , thats what I have and I'm grateful for it.

Patricia