In late 2008 I started seeing a new pdoc (the previous one was unprofessional in various ways and I was advised by my T and partner to see someone else).

After 3 sessions the new pdoc spoke with my T and said that, in his opinion, I am a borderline - he went on to say that I was 'untreatable' and should be partially hospitalised. This came as a surprise to me as my T had adamantly said in the past "no you do not have bpd" - his thoughts were AvPD and he finds me treatable and opposed the hospitalisation idea. When I saw the pdoc 2 weeks later he seemed to have lost interest in the idea of hospitalisation and he never mentioned to me personally about BPD. In any case, before this point I had the diagnosis of social anxiety and depression.

In honesty, I'm not really sure which diagnosis fits - if any - but I'm curious to know whether I do (and to what extent) exhibit the symptoms of BPD. What I suspect was a factor in this diagnosis were my 2 suicide attempts (the second occurring a year and a half after the first) - the second time was very serious and I could have died. The second attempt I think perhaps could be described as 'impulsive' (I woke up in hospital and had difficulty remembering what I had done), the first certainly not. Other than this, I don't self-harm and I don't do any of the typical imuplsive behaviours (no addictions, no spending sprees, no promiscuity etc. - I can be impulsive on occasion but not in ways that are harmful, so perhaps this is just 'spontaneity'). My relationships are stable but I have great difficulty trusting people and daring to take initiative in contact with others. I tend to hold back and over analyse things, finding a reason to withdraw from contact. When I was very unwell a couple of years ago, I found it extremely hard to leave the house and would stay in a dark room for days on end - fortunately I'm a lot better now. I do want to be social but it brings tremendous anxiety and I'm very sensitive to rejection - I'd sooner run away from a relationship than risk confrontation and rejection/criticism. I have extremely low self-esteem and have a history of physical and emotional abuse as a child.

I know that outbirsts of anger are characteristic of BPD. I seem to feel 'anger' more than I did in the past. I went for a whole year without once expressing any anger at all (other than a feeling of self-hatred) - and now sometimes feel very angry but this is infrequent (the last row I had with my partner was over a month ago). I can get 'stuck' on little details at times - for example my bf being messy around the house but I don't experience hate toward him. I don't recognise the extreme love/hate dichotomy that I read about - although maybe in the heat of the moment there is some of this. When I feel very stressed I do experience some dissociation. When I am very anxious I have started to have paranoid feelings - although I know that they are just that and don't 'believe' them. A while ago, for example, I imagined people were trying to poison me, but still knew this was a wild thought and could continue as normal. I've been seeing my T for 2 years and we have a good relationship but trust is very hard for me. I expect for him any moment to reject me or become hysterically angry with me (he has never done either of these things but they are my fears).

One last thing, I have a huge fear of failure. I'm a perfectionist and often the risk of not succeeding prevents me from even trying. I finished school with the highest marks of any pupil, and some of the highest marks nationally (despite being a truant - I found it difficult to be around the other pupils so skipped school). I went to a top university but dropped out in my 3rd year - I couldn't deal with it socially - I felt so inadequate around the other students and was sure they disliked/hated me (I have a feeling I am intrinsically 'bad'). In the end I hid in my room and lost 10kg and took an overdose.

I'm building my life up again. Hoping to go and study once more - this time a different study. I've been in a stable relationship with my boyfriend for 5+ years and have some friends now in my current life, although still feel very unsure of myself.

Any feedback would be welcome.

Onzi