I'm not as seriously depressed as I was a year ago.

I was working with a spiritual counselor on my poor relationship with my brother (I'm going to write a bit about that in the relationships forum), and how I just don't want men in my life beyond a certain point. I do not want to be vulnerable to them. I can get along with them in social ways, but crossing the brick wall boundary is out of the question.

She said, "That is hopelessness talking."

I'd thought I was hiding my feelings of hopelessness pretty well. I just don't see much chance of me or my life changing. I see myself as old and washed up. The best advice therapists seem to be able to give me is to accept diminishment in all areas of life -- health, finances, achievement, sexual intimacy -- and make the best of it.

So I do my best to do that, now that I am done freaking out for the time being.

I carry on, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, the family work ethic, because I wasn't able to enact the great final solution and don't see that I would ever be able to, so that's all there is -- one prays and accepts, or at least resigns oneself.

I look at all the motivational books and programs that used to fire me up and now I think, "Snake oil."

So, please, I'm not feeling especially bad.
But there is this underlying feeling of hopeless.