Hello All --

It's been almost 4 days since all this went down, and I'm just coming to terms enough with it to even start to be able to write about it.

On Sunday, my mom called an ambulance to take her to the ER because she couldn't breathe. My mom is "old school" when it comes to doctors. She doesn't "believe" in them. And when she says she doesn't "believe" in them, she means that they have as much meaning for her as other things that people don't "believe" in, such as ghosts, fairies, UFO aliens, etc.

So, for my Mom to call an ambulance to go the ER means she must have been plenty scared.

My cousin, a level-headed woman of 50, joined my mother there and said that that the doctor told mom she probably has emphysema. This comes as no surprise, since she has been a heavy smoker for 60 years. She doesn't "believe" in the surgeon general's warning, either.

My cousin was concerned because my mom was telling the doctors what tests she would and wouldn't take. And my mom doesn't take prescribed medicines as she ought. She wanted me to talk with mom about following through with the tests and so on.

I got mom to promise to follow through. The next day she said that she was given an inhaler and could breathe again. And she thinks it's sinuses and "everyone has their own opinions" -- meaning her opinion that it's a sinus infection is as valid as the physician's opinion that it's emphysema.

I've been distraught. My mother is helping me financially. More than that, SHE IS MY MOM AND I LOVE HER. I can hardly imagine life without her. It's not a blissful mother-daughter Gilmore Girls relationship. It can be rocky and disappointing but SHE'S MY MOM AND I LOVE HER. I just want to hold onto to all my elderly relatives and say, "No, don't go. Don't leave me here all alone."

I contacted my brother via email -- via email to minimize the hurt he causes me whenever there is contact between us.

He Made a snotty remark about how she is in denial, even now, at the end. Then he told me about his recent trip to Catalina, which is near where my X lives with his new gf -- the X who abandoned me. My brother has championed my X, told me the ways I'm at fault, takes the X's word as gospel, refuses to let me defend myself, and has pretty much left off contact with mom and me as a result.

Bro told me about all his travels plans for the year and added that he would, of course, probably have to set aside some time now for his "family obligations. See you there. I guess that sounds cold."

I've had a feeling for a long time that the last time I'm gonna see my brother in this lifetime is at my mother's funeral. And he's going to show up, acting arrogant and self-righteous, as if he's the only person in the world who knows how to live. And it's so strange, because I have a Ph.D. and I seem to get along just fine in the old immigrant neighborhood. And my brother is a truck driver and my aunt and uncle have come to me and said, "Why does your brother act so strange and as if he doesn't like any of us when he's here?"

I'd prefer that he just not come if his attitude is that his own mother's funeral is such an effing big obligation for him to tend to.

I'm upset about it all. All of it.