And How I Got Through Them... (may trigger but nothing specific written about. I don't think it will really trigger but I feel like I always need to put a disclaimer here because you never know - mild mention of urges but nothing specific <3)

It's been a while since I have procrastinated the way I did last night. I was deeply disappointed in myself and felt like I couldn't even face going outside for people to see my walk of shame - blood shot eyes, unbrushed hair, pale skin, dry mouth, greasy clothes. Nope, there was no way I'd be ale to face that. And then, a friend of mine pretty much judged me on what I did. She had no sympathy, which is fine. I really didn't deserve it because I know I did it to myself (it being the procrastination). And then I flipped on her.

Needless to say I felt uber ashamed after all of that. I know I can do better than that. And then the thoughts just kept coming and images and then I thought about tools. I was panicking. I jumped out of my chair and just stared at the floor, disconnected myself for a moment. I guess sometimes it's okay to dissociate a little? Isn't it a protective feature we learned as children? Anyhow, everything slowed. I thought, what do I have to do in this moment to be okay. I thought, I can't actually act on these thoughts, I have a wedding coming up and my mom would be so sad not to mention my fiance. Thought about places I could hide it, but thought that my fiance at least would still find out. I couldn't bear to hurt him. I ran through the list of people in my mind I could call and tell them about the urge. And thought, no no I can't call them. All the while this thinking about what to do about the thoughts was distracting me a little at least. I finally decided to call a fellow nursing student and ask for a ride to class. That way I could avoid the walk of shame while connecting with another person.

I packed my bag walked to my friends room and apologized to her. I still felt bad, but I felt better admitting that I had done something wrong. Still ashamed, still thinking I could do better, and still functioning on zero sleep and a handful of crackers and tea I went to class where every one said I looked *AWFUL* They asked if I was okay. I didn't tell them really, but it was nice to know that they were paying attention and cared (The advantage of working with nursing students). And then when it was all over and done with, a different friend took me out to eat and went to the grocery store with me to get some much needed food.

I applogogized a couple more times again to the friend I felt was hurt and got to be there for her a little bit at the end of her bad day. I called my fiance and spoke to people in chat. And well, here I am today again. I'm doing okay. I got 10 hours of sleep and I'm ready to start again and get myself organized.

Sometimes I think it helps to be able to stop ourselves and slow ourselves down, move away from the place you are having thoughts. I was having those thoughts in the chair so I popped out of it. My head was still racing so I slowed it down.

Just keep thinking of all the things you can do to avoid acting on your thoughts, and eventually you'll be thinking of solutions and not urges. I hope this helps as an example for everyone. Even after two years these things can still nag at us and I'm sure even more down the road in my recovery I still have them. This is a life long battle folks. Don't give up!

~ Good luck to those on their road to recovery and be safe for those who are not quite ready yet

BxD