Quote:
Originally Posted by just_me_here
I haven't cut in more than two years. I think about it every day, usually every hour of my life. When I feel well, I think about it less often, the thoughts don't last as long, and the intensity of the thoughts isn't very bad. When I go into a bad spell, the feelings begin to outweigh what I know to be true: cutting makes life worse.
My scars are pronounced and cause me to feel much shame. I've been accepted to school for a healthcare career, and the urges are worse now. I was euphoric over my success, and now I'm starting to slide into negative thought patterns. It seems as though I can't accept good things when they happen to me.
The main reason I have been successful in not cutting for so long is my significant other. Hurting myself would hurt him so much. We have a beautiful, healthy relationship, but in this way I think I might be too dependent on him. I wish that I wouldn't cut because I love me, not just because I love him.
Thank you for listening.
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You - not just you - but
You are beautiful! I too have not hurt myself in two years (or nearly two years now, I can't remember the exact date). I choose not to hurt myself for similar reasons. I love my fiance so much. I know it would hurt him if I did anything, especially after coming so far. Also, my mom has end stage cancer... I don't want her to die knowing that I gave in. Sometimes I choose not to because I think of my future children. I don't want to take that step back and have to work again on the physiological side of this addiction. I want to work on my mind set, on my spirituality, on my relationships. I want to be able to get myself to a place where I can say "I'm gonna be a good mom." That is born out of love for my future children, but I think love for myself too.
If you really think about it. If it wasn't at least a little bit of love for yourself, you would probably just say, egh screw it, I don't deserve this healthy relationship any way, I'm destined to hurt people because I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't love or care about me.... and on and on down that negative thinking road that gets us to a place where we are able to act on our urges.
Nope, that is not what we are going to do... me and you. We'll keep on thinking, this is a beautiful relationship and I love myself enough to tend to it like a garden. I love my future enough to do now what i can do to make it a good one. We may not think directly that we love ourselves, but its there buried under it all. I think sometimes we think it's not okay to love ourselves because maybe we have had people in our past who have convinced us that that is the truth - we don't deserve good things or love. But we do and us continuing in our sobriety and treating ourselves and others around us well is a reflection of that love for ourselves that we deny because deep down we think it's not okay.
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I pray the urges slow down some for you. Remember, you're doing it for you, to be able to connect to others and stop the violence... to make life just generally a little more tolerable - the other reasons are icing on the cake that help convince us we are worth it. You can do it!
many hugs to
((((((((((((((((((((((You)))))))))))))))))))