I'm not really sure why I'm posting, mostly because I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I think ... "heavy" might be a good word to describe it. On the outside, I know that I've seemed fine. I'm home for spring break, and I've been catching up with family, making plans with friends, just relaxing ... but on the inside, it's like there's this voice at the back of my mind is trying to tell me something, and I can't quite hear it. It's a little like that uneasy feeling you get when you KNOW you've forgotten something, but you just don't know what that something is.

I feel a little bit lost, I think. My counsellor said something about getting to be myself again, when the depression wears off. But the depression started setting in so long ago that I can't really remember who that person was. The only "me" I really know is the depressed version, and what's sad is that recovery from that depression allows me to realize it's not who I am, then I start getting depressed because I have no idea who I ACTUALLY am. This has started really scaring me. What if I hate this new version of me? What if she's just as much of a failure, and it wasn't the illness that was making things difficult so much as the fact that I really am socially, motivationally, academically stunted. Maybe the feeling I had of not having a future ... wasn't just a feeling.

Except ... I think I'm feeling better, too. I think the depression's going away. So why am I having these thoughts? How do I fight them when I'm ALREADY fighting with everything I've got?

Does this make any sense? I hate that my counsellor is back in Scotland. I don't know what I'm going to do without her while I'm home for the summer. I feel like I'm on very thin ice, like if I"m not very, very careful, the depression's going to grab hold of me and ruin my entire spring break at home.