I was not sure of the best place to post this but figured this would be the best place because I realize that all of this is due to PTSD. I am frustrated with all the after effects of the past. I am tired of the triggers and memories. I am rattled more right now than I have been in a while due to a 3 day hospital stay. Needless to say that was a HUGE trigger. The fact that you have pretty much no control over what is happening to you. Just like the past no control. No privacy and treated like a piece of meat. Try to explain to someone why you can not handle what they are getting ready to do to you and the reply is just keep telling yourself I am doing this to help you. BS, the only help was helping trigger me even more. I would think someone in the medical field would have more compassion than that.

I still do not feel good and all I want to do is sleep but now I am left with more nightmares than before as well as flashbacks. I have more intrusive thoughts than before as well. I am frustrated by the fact that the ones that caused my issues have not a care in the world. They are living without the ramifications of their actions while I am still being tortured by their doings. I keep asking myself what life would be like to be normal. Not depressed and not having visions of all the negative that has happened to be touched and not almost jump out of my own skin. I often say the statement of....I am not the abuse, but I am the product of abuse. Today I can not say that because my head will not allow me to be free thinking and living free. I am not quite sure what normal is but I know it is not what I am. My rant is done, I am tired, frustrated, angry and agitated. I would pay anything right now to have just 24 hours of peace in my head and be able to sleep. Right now I want to tell PTSD to kiss my (_l_)!