I desperately want to self harm, but at the same time I don't want to. I've been self harming since I was 11 years old, and in that time I've done some pretty serious damage. I just can't seem to stop once I start. I haven't self harmed majorly since last August, I've maybe harmed twice since then. But I'm feeling more and more 'wrong' and 'dirty'. I've been getting other MH symptoms, and when I get like this SH usually follows.

I feel totally flat atm, but at the same time I hate rage burning inside me. I'm pushing it down so far and it is exploding in my head and chest. I can't allow it to show to anyone else. Sometimes it does though, it bursts out and I blow up, usually at my mum. Then we don't talk for days and I (and probably her) feel worse.

The only way to deal with this is to cut, as far as I can see. But that doesn't mean I am resolved to do it. I'll hold out for as long as possible.
Grrr... then this little person inside me says but then you'll do it worse, so you may as well just get it over with..... and I don't know what to do again.

It's like there is two people inside me. Black me and me me. Black me wants to win. Black me wants to harm.

Does anyone understand?