Thanks for all your kind words and advice, all. I REALLY appreciate it!

Today, I was feeling reasonably okay. I spent most of the day with my mom, sister, and one of my brothers. Then I went in to see a friend this evening, and hung out with her until fairly late. That was when it changed. My mom called me, and I could tell she was upset -- in all fairness, I probably SHOULD have called her, but I was catching up with a good friend, I was feeling REALLY good and having a great time, and I just lost all track of time -- and she lectured me about being responsible and how my dad was worrying about me and how they weren't going to sleep well until I was home (which made me feel guilty even though I was with a friend, in her house, looking at her vacation pictures -- of all the worrisome things to be doing!) and while I was under their roof I had to follow their rules. The thing is... my parents have very, very rarely laid down any rules for me. I've made it my goal in life to be the "perfect" daughter. We rarely argue (because I just agree with them all the time), I rarely get in trouble (because I do whatever I'm told), I rarely worry them (because it makes me feel guilty, so I make sure they know what I'm doing all the time), and I help out with my siblings/grandparents/chores/etc (because it's an unspoken expectation). So when she told me I had to follow their rules, I felt annoyed, but also guilty because I instantly thought I wasn't being good enough. I instantly felt so hopeless and invisible -- like I didn't exist independently of my family anymore. My whole life, I have been what they needed me to be -- confidant, babysitter, chauffeur, student, helper -- and although I'm proud of that, it also makes me feel lost. In being what everyone else has needed or wanted me to be, I never stopped to be who I wanted to be. I've always laid my own life aside for them in one way or another, never saying no, never arguing my case, never pointing out when they were wrong and just agreeing with whatever they said. And when my mom called me tonight, I heard myself agreeing with how irresponsible I was being for worrying her, and it felt like I was putting back on a costume that was suddenly two sizes too small.

I don't know who I am. But I DO know who I don't want to be. And I don't want to be the one who is always under her family's thumb. I don't want to feel like I owe my parents for my existance, and I don't want to feel as inferior to the rest of my family as I've somehow managed to feel. I don't want to be pushed to be someone/somewhere I don't, and I think that what I need is distance from my family while I try to figure out who and where I do want to be. I've been living my life for them too long, and I got lost somewhere along the way. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I miss them while I'm away, and my parents love me and have sacrificed a lot for me and my siblings, and we have never wanted for anything, and I know they just want what's best for us ... I just don't know how I'm going to reconcile who I was/had to be for them, and who I am becoming/want to be for myself.

I want to curl up in a ball and ignore it all. If I close my eyes I keep thinking everything will just go away, or at the very least I won't have to deal with it for a while. I feel lost and alone and maybe it'd just be easier to give up and give in to whatever the world needs than bother struggling to figure out what I need instead. I don't have the energy and my will power is pretty much shot. But I also know that's the depression taking hold. And I don't want that either...