I have been sitting down every night and writing in my journal. I used to sit and write about daily events or feelings however now I have been writing about the past. It seems the more I write the more i tend to remember about it all. The dreams that come with it are very hectic and range through all sorts of wacky things some okay some not.

I think one thing that may help a bit is I am 34 and right now I am writing about things that happened when i was under the age of ten. I have so many questions about everything at this point. I think my biggest frustration at this point is why those that knew it was going on did Nothing to "treat" it? Why wasn't i taken in when it all came out to talk to some one? It was all just sat down talked about once then swept under a rug. ~~ I think the only thing that my mind can come up with is the adult involved did only what they knew to do? Maybe she thought she had handled it? Maybe she had HOPED she handled it? Ugh is all i can say at this point.

I think back and keep thinking God I was so young...how can someone do things like that to a child? It makes me sick. I find as I write in my journal i have to stop because it upsets my stomach. Thats when i know its time to put down the pen and take a walk. I do a lot of walking and driving alone. I drift off into thought of the past years and all its events...they just replay and replay in a vicsious circle... Will this circle ever stop? does treatment tend to ease this? I hope that someday it will because im tired of reliving the past. Im tired of the ghosts.

For years and years i was diagnoses with bi-polar... hence i was treated for the wrong thing... nothing ever seemed to change. lol now i know why... Ya cant treat a broken toe with and ice pack on the wrist.

I'm not sure what i expect to get out of this post except for maybe getting this off my chest before i start a long day. I think it may help.

I dont know any of you persay but i can say the feeling of knowing that you are all here and can understand the insanity feeling that comes with this is very helpful indeed.

I hope that each of you have a bright and healthy day ~~ Jenn