For years I have struggled with the tension that comes from my desire to be loved and accepted by my family, versus the reality of what happens when I do spend time with them. I find it especially difficult to attend family gatherings where many, if not all, of them are together.

My older brother was my abuser. His daughter is getting married next summer. This event is triggering lots of feelings for me. I've never been close with his family for obvious reasons. His kids give the distinct impression they don't like me. They don't know about the abuse. His wife acts the same way. She was the first, and for a long time, the only person I told about what my brother did to me. As a teenager she was being friendly with me just to quiz me about my brother, in hindsight. At the time as a young girl I felt she was someone I could trust and confide in. It was never brought up between us again.

I don't plan on attending the wedding. As the years go on I have less contact with most of my family. But I've acted like a yo - yo over the years, trying hard to make the relationships work, then after feeling rejected and demeaned, staying away for long periods.

How do I "end" the relationship with my brother and his family, if possible, on a cordial note. So if we have to see each other, at a funeral for instance, or one of my other nieces or nephews weddings, or at one of my other siblings homes, it's not akward or antagonistic? The abuser brother and his family live out of state. (Although he works and has an apartment a half hour from where I live for several years now.)

I'm really tired and angered by being treated by his family like I'm uncaring, cold or phony. And I wonder if it would make things easier for me, if I explained the situation to my other 2 younger brothers. I think they are puzzled by how I have behaved over the years. Or am I just setting myself up for a huge dose of "no understanding or support" from my 2 younger brothers? I am not especially close to either of them.

My mother knows about the abuse but we have never had a good relationship. She's been extremely emotionally abusive to me. I have almost no contact with her at all.

Maybe what I really need to do, for myself, is to end all connections to all my family?