I dont know what i want or need to say , but certainly something.
In the last month things have just been spiraling out of control it seems . I guess it started with a session that i unknowningly made a threat to my T. Apparently she made a comment and i said something to the effect of "well dont forget we are alone in here". I didnt remember the comment and it took about 2 1/2 weeks for the whole thing to be told to me ... needless to say i was quite upset , in the end i guess mostly at myself that i would have said that to my T in the first place. In between the time that i made the comment and was told what happened i had a really tough session that i guess i reverted back to a very small child in session, it scared me a lot . 2 weeks ago now i actually let out my anger about issues related to these 2 incidents and also went off on this other thing where i was able to put the anger in prospective as to where it was coming from and why. And finally for the first time i wrote a letter to my dad , who abused me as a child.( he passed away 3 yrs ago , so i have no where to send it , but wrote it anyway) So last session i took in all this writing and feelings and just really let out a ton of emotions that i would normally keep very private. Since then stuff has been coming at me from everywhere and no where . It felt like i had finally made progress at my last session and i was hoping that given the things that were coming up , maybe i could keep up the progress. Then i showed up for my appt with T on wed as usual and was told that she wasnt in , but would be back the next day ,however didnt have anything open. I was so disappointed . Normally the secretary would have called me , but forgot . Anyway i have known that the possibility of the T being out ,has been there for the last 2 weeks (she was waiting on a grandchild to be born out of state) It just felt like such bad timing , that it was this week she was out. This past friday i had an appt with my regular doc and was expecting to be much later than i was , so i called the T's office just to see if she was available to see me before going back to work. Technically she was , but had a crises on the phone so i didnt go in . Then she calls me back later on to see what i wanted , and apoligized for not being able to get me in , then told me that for some reason i was inadvertently left off the schedule for next week. UGH ( i have a standing appt every wed from 3:30-5 ) I just wanted to cry when she said this ... i was so disappointed . She did say that she would move things around and get me in , but i told her not to worry , i would be fine. I am not fine though ... everything has just been so crazy and mixed up in my head . Its kind of like i am remembering something , but dont know what it is ... if that made any sense . And i have had this need to tell my dad a lot of things , so i have been writing him . I dont even think i can describe the feelings that have been coming up in the last 2 weeks , i dont know why i bother to try. On wednesday the 18th we were told that due to cutbacks our dept would be firing 2 employees by this past friday.. i was at my wits end waiting and wondering would it be me . Well friday came and although it wasnt me this time , it seems that there will be more cutbacks in the coming weeks and we just dont know who will be next. This economy sucks ! I am so sick and tired of trying , it feels like 1 step forward and 3 steps back all the time and i dont want to live like this . How much longer can this go on . Walking on eggshells in every aspect of my life and i want so much to break free . Friday afternoon i came home from work , and by 7pm i was in bed for the night , yesterday i couldnt even bring myself to get up , today i forced myself out of bed at about 11 am , but i really just want to waste away and give up .