Then again, I could be all wrong about it.

But this relationship with my former friend was so significant to me, and has hurt me so incredibly deeply, that I've spent a long time trying to understand how things got so muddled up and went so wrong.

I am just SOOOOO sad things ended up the way they did. I just wish we could have talked it over. I wish I could tell her what I understand now about transference and about what i think happened back then. But there's just no way to do it. My friend is the type who cuts her losses and moves on. She told me once, "I'm the type of person that, once I realize that someone is a user or is taking advantage, I cut the tie quickly and mercilessly." I remember when she told me that, years ago, I said, "Please don't ever do that to me! If you ever get really upset with me, please, let's talk it over." But that's exactly what she did. . .cut me out of her life quickly and mercilessly. I'm pretty sure she is glad to be rid of me and my problems. I doubt that she misses me or wishes we could be close again. In fact, I imagine that if I go to the shared congregation event and she sees me, it will probably fire up all of her hatred of my husband and digust with me.

I wish I could get over this and move on. I feel like this experience has left such a huge gaping wound inside me. I still love my former friend and miss the good times. I'm so sad about the way she viewed me at the end, the anger she had toward me, and the things she accused me of doing that I didn't do. I feel so sad that she has misunderstood so much about me and never allowed the opportunity for us to talk things out peacefully. I fear that I will never be able to trust anyone again enough to allow anything more than superficiality. Aside from my husband, I don't think I'm capable of loving or attaching again.