My therapist mentioned ptsd at our last visit, but I guess I am not officially diagnosed with ptsd, so I hope it is okay to post here. When I read posts here they are the ones I most relate to.
I am an adult survivor of sexual abuse by my older brother. I was somewhere between 7 and 9 and he is 10 yrs older than me. I don't have real good memories, so I am not sure yet of how old I was. I also had an emotionally abusive mother who dismissed anything happened with my brother. I am having flashbacks and started therapy several weeks ago. I left home when I was 18, and ended up marrying an abusive husband at 24. I am now 41 and I have 2 wonderful children of my own...I am remarried to a wonderful supportive man. Due to stress I am having flashbacks to a terrible degree, and my anger is sometimes out of control and I say things I later regret.
The stress is coming mostly from our living arrangements...and the fact that 9 yrs ago, my brother the abuser came back into our life. He seems to act as if he thinks I don't remember anything that happened. See 9 yrs ago my father died, my brother stayed away because I believe my father chased him away because he found out what my brother was doing. I remember a huge fight and my brother moved out..and I didn't see him for 25 yrs. When my father was dying he came to the hospital. Back to the living arrangements...after the death of my father my husband and I sold our house in order to buy a bigger one so my mother could live with us. I was/am the only child she has in the state in which we live...all of my other siblings live far away. So taking "care" of her became my responsibility. When my mother's house sold, she offered to pay the remainding amount owed on our house in order to "make things easier on us". Unknowingly I was falling into a trap that I had somehow forgotten how controlling and manipulating she is.
Over that last 8-9 yrs...I have sacrificed lots in order to make my mother "happy"...I am always trying to get her "approval". I have been the only one there for her (she does not drive...she can't keep her own checkbook balanced...) I take her to the doctor..I left my job where I was being paid decently to work one with less hours and (school based) I would have summers off because she complained of being alone. Two years ago, she had me convinced that I needed to divorce my husband...I even filed for divorce..it wasn't until the poor man recieved them with no fore warning that I came out of her "trance" to see that I was doing a horrible thing. I am so lucky that he loves me like he does...he has fogiven me without a second thought.
We live in a state where the unemployement rate is one of the worst...after things have gotten worse and worse...My husband and I have decided to move our family to another state. We have not been able to leave yet, as (more bad luck...) I broke my foot almost 12 weeks ago, which ended up needing surgery to repair it 5 weeks ago. So we have decided to let the kids finish with school here and make our move in the summer.
Okay...my brother the abuser, lashed out at me (over the phone) several months ago...that is when the worst of the nightmares and the flashbacks started. I had been having some minor flashbacks before that, triggered of all things a tv show I watched in which a young girl was abused. (it wasn't grafic, it just gave you the idea that she was abused). I have talked to the therapist about confronting both my brother and my mother...she says I am not ready...
I was wondering if anyone else had ever confronted an abuser after all these years? After pretending nothing had happened and worried that your going to be the crazy in the family if you say anything. Thank you all for being here...
Nixtribe
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