((((((((((((((forgotten))))))))))))))))))

I agree with gimmeice, therapy would probably be a lot of help -- it's doing wonders for me. I'm sorry you can't tell anyone close to you about the problems you're having, but have you ever considered calling a crisis line in the times that you're having constant thoughts of death or feeling particularly low? Sometimes it helps to just talk everything out, sort of like expelling a lot of those negative thoughts that are building up inside your head. It's not a solution to the thoughts, but it might help alleviate some of the pain when it gets really bad. It's totally confidential and you would be speaking to trained professionals who might also be able to give you advice.

Hang in there. It might not seem like it now, but there's always hope.