Sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain but good for you in realizing how much pain you are in. As was asked, are you in therapy? If not it might help and if so let I hope you are letting your t know how you are feeling.

The thing about being embarassed about the arms is that it will might only last until the next strong urge comes around. I have gone through the same feelings about not wanting anyone to see my arms but it has not prevented me cutting b/c the urges were too strong and it seemed like the right solution to get my out of my pain.

What my therapist has helped me with is staying with the feelings when they come up and working through them by many of the ways P7 described. This is not easy, especially when you have been doing it for so long but you can get through this and learn other ways of coping.

I'm glad you hate it, just don't hate yourself for doing the best you could to deal with what was going on. Also, please don't expect too much of yourself. I stopped for a while and found myself feeling really horrible. I picked up a blade a scratched a few times. I was beating myself up for it when my therapist explained that, beating myself up was, was got me started and I needed to be kinder and forgiving of myself.

I hope that you can find the same forgiveness for doing the best you can and then pushing yourself further to find other ways.