feel shy here, but your question seems to hit at the heart of my dilemma, or maybe not- I'm pretty confused these days.

I'm an artist in the visual (art furniture, mostly) and performing fields. Most of my experience is in singing and acting (about 30 yrs) and it's where I think I fit in in the world, but I'm not sure about that anymore either lol
Because I'm so emotional and have a near-photographic memory, I can take on huge roles and impress the audience. I performed a one-woman play about the life of Emily Dickinson and got rave reviews like "rivals Broadway" and stuff like that. And I sang the principal role of Mary in a new Christmas Oratorio and was told I was the perfect Mary and on and on.
But that praise doesn't cut through the frozen self-hatred I carry around in my brain and heart. I related so powerfully to Emily that I felt like an incarnation or something. And I sang Mary from my own perspective of a mother who has been deeply afraid for her son, whom she adores ( who has been in almost non-stop acute mania with psychosis for over a year).
So I feel like a fraud, other than the immediate high I get from a job well done and the recognition of others.
This seems convoluted. What's the point?
Well- the stage is where I feel the most comfortable and like myself, whatever that is- chameleon? and yet I cannot feel good about that. I'm now in rehersals for A Midsummer Nights Dream with 2 major roles (Oberon and Helena) and I don't even care any more.

For the first time in my life i went to see a therapist last Fri. I've begun to think that maybe I have something treatable going on here that maybe even has a name. When she said we'd talk about self-esteem I wanted to run away. I don't know if I can do this.

I have this superstition that if I let myself be happy that something awful will happen to one of my kids. Things like that are driving me to hang around this forum. Your warmth pulls me in.

I also write poetry, but don't share it cause much of it is quite dark. Maybe here will be ok.

Creative Self and Self Esteem- what a can of worms for me!!

Thanks