Thank you, Holmes and Phoenix...

I have to make the call to get my dog's Birth papers back, in a bit... I'm soooooo nervous! But I have a prettyt good feeling about it... Was supposed to be going to Cardiff on the 25th April, for an audition, but money situation and the state of my hands and arms and other such things like organising times and such, have stopped me being able to go... Plus the fact that I guess I can do it next year...

I haven't heard a single thing back from my tutor, which goes to show just how *Little* she cares. I hate her. I really do. All she's done since I joined that course is give me hell, make me feel worse, like nothing, a nobody and ignore my cries for help.

Everything I do to try and help myself to relax, like a nice weekend away from all the crapness, from all the crap feelings and people, with my bf, is always s**t on. All I ask is that I can just chill out for a weekend with my bf on a holiday not too far from home. Is that so much to ask? I never get a break. I never let myself get a break... He knows how much I need it and he is trying his damndest to get me this break away... But... I just keep thinking 'what's the point in carrying on if I can't even be allowed to be happy?!'

So... I'm quite down right now... Plus the fact that Chris told me to ***** off last night after I asked him (when a friend told me to) to stop telling this friend, who has a boyfriend and is younger than me and Chris, to strip naked on webcam. It got me fired up and angry and when he told me where to go I almost screamed. I sat there and looked at the screen, thinking 'wtf?!' and said "whoaaa... What's wrong?" and he told me he's sick of people, sick of being strong for everyone, he tried to be strong for me but he "cba" anymore and he's being strong for Dan, who lost his Dad to Cancer. he then said "maybe my problems are actually worse than everyone elses, maybe I just hide them to make everyone else feel like I'm strong". Heh. That caught me off guard. So i said "Maybe they are, Chris... But why don't you start talking to the people that care? People like me..." he then said "don't tell Dan that I said any of this because I'm being strong for him." I sat back and thought who the hell does he think I am?!

I then said to him... "Chris, do you really think I'd go and blab to Dan that you're not as happy as you make out? It'd crush him, it'd crush you, it'd crush me. Our trust would be broken and it' just not worth it. I don't goblabbing to people about other people's problems, hence why I try to help so many people. I may have my own s**t and seem wrapped up in it, but I'm far from wrapped up in my own s**t. I want to help you and that's coz I care. nothing more, nothing less. It's what I'm here for" he said "no you're not" which stung... I thought... 'What else could I be there for as his friend? As someone who's helping him?' he didn't explain. Sigh.

This week I've just had all my efforts thrown back in my face. I was explaining to someone that life will get easier, that I have seen people come out of a heavy depression... She said "Hah. And just because they've got through it, that automatically means I will?" Whoa... I didn't say that it automatically says she will... I was just reassuring her that it can, and with help, will get better for her. She said to leave her alone she's in a grumpy mood and she'll just snap my head off... Fair enough, but... So much for appreciation!

What the hell is it about me that people hate so much and seem to want to take everything out on me? I mean... Yeah I'm there to talk to, but not to have people be so harsh... Why? I don't get it...

I give up on always trying to make myself happy and failing...