I feel awful. I got left hung out to dry tonight, to face the funding appropriations board alone, without nearly enough information, when one of the advisors said she'd be there - she would have been able to answer the questions. I was so frustrated; my damaged memory wouldn't work, I couldn't give any kind of presentation, I had no idea what to expect. I had to miss part of my senior seminar for it, and will have to again next week when the board will hear it again, since I'm the only officer who has any sort of commitment to our student group. I haven't even seen any of them in the last year! It's just me, the two advisors, and a new member. And I'm just an ordinary officer - not financial officer or president. I felt so embarrased sitting there unable to answer their questions and looking so incompetent. My emotions came up and I almost started crying in front of them; I made it out to a place I could hide it before the tears came but I'm afraid they saw it coming.
I don't want to be responsible for anything anymore, I hate feeling so alone, on my own for anything I try to do. I'm so tired, and my back aches, and I have SO much I have to get done.
And I'm so lonely. I'm in class now, and the people who were at my table have moved to another... they're all conversing so well... and I can't participate when I try. So I'm sitting here alone. Figures.
And I'm triggered tonight looking at a classmate. I hadn't noticed it before... maybe she did something different with her hair, glasses, or clothes... but she looks just like a girl from an incredibly difficult experience I had a few years ago, and I can't stand to look at her. I think she cut her hair. But I feel sick looking... which is so awkward to avoid looking at her.
Augh I feel awful tonight! I want so badly to just give up on everything... all triggered by this stupid event... but it's been building up.