Trigger for alcohol abuse

The universe has decided it'd like to play a somewhat mild- so far *crosses fingers*- game of cat and mouse with me for awhile, apparently.

I got paid this weekend, and I ended up in a showing of monologues. I was glad about my check and it was the best paycheck I've ever gotten, even though it's barely above minimum wage.

Before the monolgoues, I attended a cocktail party during which one lady told me I seemed, "meek" and while I don't think an insult was intended, I consider it an insult. I was stressed out before the monologues about the possibility of a panic attack on stage, since public speaking tends to make me panicky. I actually cried about it and heavily considered backing out. Yet, I was excited to be a part of it and in the end, I refused to back out. I tried some techniques, some spiritual, some practical, to control my anxiety, and while I did get somewhat nervous standing up, it worked fairly well. It helped a lot, so I didn't get really nervous and at some point, the anxiety mostly dissapeared. Yet, at the beginning, I was a bit nervous, shaking, and well, I could have done better showing emotion on this one line if I had been calmer (such as, alone). I am not a great actress, so I didn't expect a phenomenol performance, but it could have been better. There was still emotion in it, and I didn't mess up majorly or get as nervous as usual.

I had to buy an outfit for the monologues and I don't have a huge amount of cash right now. Because I bought the outfit last second, I feel as though I didn't look as nice as the other people's, since I had to take what I could get. I always feel like I am not as prepared as other people, not as nice looking when we go out, etc. I left the tags on hoping to take it back.

I hung out with what seemed like a good friend prospect. She was so pretty and confident, I wasn't sure I wanted to hang out because I didn't know if I could take the self esteem bashing being around her, considering we weren't friends already. But we hit it off so well, I was so glad I went, even though we did disagree on an issue that is majorly important to me. But I liked her, anyway. And she told me she thought I was pretty. She might have even said I made her insecure. Anyway, it was all a shock seeing she was insecure about certain things, and that she found me pretty- if she was being honest, not just nice. However, I got so drunk I puked in her house, she had to clean it up and thus, that has prob. killed our friendship possibilities. I also got so drunk I can't remember how I got this head injury, but I'm pretty sure I fell and busted my head open on a vent. Apparently it didn't hurt. I think I would have remembered that. So there was a mini hangover the next day, and I ended up spending $18 on makeup to cover it up (it was horrible) and it didn't even work, so it's $18 wasted bucks. And I puked on the dress, can't take it back. More wasted money. And she helped me get ready for bed as I was so sick and drunk, took the tag off, and yeah, that was embarassing. I'm sure she doesn't like me, either after some of the things that happened, and that saddens me. We had a lot in common. However, if we did hang out, I'd just be insecure around the guy I like. I feel as though, he'd like her better than me. Anyway, I had to lie to everyone about the place on my head, and my sister kept giving me the third degree.

I spent too much money on drinks, on makeup to cover the wounds, and on the dress, and on food. So, yeah, I am already over halfway through my paycheck despite having no bills to pay at this moment. I did spend some on gas, however, and also have to use it to buy food at work. I work at a resturaunt, but we have to purchase our own meals and get no discount, and the food ain't that cheap.

The next day I hung out with someone I care about which was nice, but unfortunately I felt sick part of the time. I felt so bad coming home (wasn't drunk, but was feeling crappy due to the night before), I felt so bad I decided to just forgo the gas since I can usually run it really low (it can be on E for awhile actually) without running out. Next day, I woke up late cause the alarm clock didn't go off, then I tried driving to work and the gas...well, I'd pushed it too far. I had to pull over. The car was stopping and I had already awoken about 20 minutes past time to be at work. I had to get some helpful strangers to run get me gas and bring it back to me.

Then yesterday, I got ticketed for parking the wrong way. I parked opposing traffic because I was driving on one side of the street and had to pull to the other side to park in front of a resturaunt I was going to, so I parked in that direction. I didn't know this could get me a ticket. I came out and had TWO tickets for the same thing issued within 35 minutes of one another. Is that even legal? $25 a piece, but I am going to tell them it's unfair and prob. illegal to charge me for both tickets, since it's basically charging me twice for the same offense commited only once. So, that will hopefully go over and save me $25. I have to contact and pay in 72 hours (since last night) or face other consequences.

Also, last night, while I had some fun and good company, I got my feelings hurt, got all clingy, insecure, needy, etc. and am afraid I upset the guy I like and also might have said something that could have made him reconsider how open he was with me, which I don't want. And the last 2 or 3 days I've felt odd AND worried....and bad. I am confused. And I was totally scatterbrained Monday, and appear to be coming down with something, also.

I feel I've been letting everyone down lately, also. And I think my boss might have insulted me today when I was away, but I don't know- maybe I'm just paranoid. I feel like a screw up at work, and I had been feeling competant for once (sp?). Also, last night, I was so far from articulate when speaking to a lady I'd like to be friends with, it prob. made her think I'm an idiot- and annoying.

On a positive note, I always feel older looking and often feel ugly and have been feeling not as good as others, lately, but I had three people call me in the last two or three days, "little girl" which at this point I was willing to take as a compliment. And two (maybe three- can't recall how old one of them seemed to be) were not elderly. Merely middle aged. And yesterday, one lady told me how old she thought I was and it was 6 to 7 years younger than I am. And today some guy guessed me to be 8 years younger. And last night, some guy told me he couldn't believe I was the age I said I was, pretty much. And I think these people were being sincere, which felt good (esp. with that new wrinkle I got). And also, today, one guy asked me if the requirements for working at my job consisted of being gorgeous or incredibly gorgeous or something similar. Anyway, he called me pretty, basically. Another guy hit on me. Also, while I felt insecure around the guy I liked just last night, he did compliment me, and he also complimented me today and when he said it today, it made me feel somewhat better about being insecure last night.

So yeah, things have been up and down.