I'm not really that young, but then again, I'm not really that old either. We always say it, if I had known then what I know now, things would have been different... I would have done it differently. like all those times I took you for granted, the times that I would tell you to stop smiling and laughing and dancing and singing because it just wasn't what the cool kids were doing - and besides, people were watching, judging me based on you. I'm not saying things were perfect or even that they are perfect now. Things could still be better, they could be different. But that time that I yelled at you about wedding plans, or how our relationship was so strained in my late teens, those are the things that I regret. Coming all the way out here, 2,000 miles away from you as you slip through my fingertips, that is something I regret.

I know you are still here, but this goodbye is harder than anything I've had to do. I wished to God that I could take away your pain. I wished to God that he wouldn't take you away. I never thought I would have to say all this when I was 21 years old. I feel like we just got started. I always imagined me taking you in or visiting you daily at the nursing home. I imagined a long, relatively healthy life, visiting with the grandkids... but it wasn't to be. I will be blessed if you see me marry.

I feel like I'm not ready. I want to hold on, but I know I have to let go. I just wish, I didn't have to add you to the list of all the things I've lost. I wish you could stay a little longer. But I guess you are, for just a little longer. You're here today, and that's all that matters. Aren't we all living on borrowed time? You were never mine to have in the first place. You don't belong to me....

But I still wish I didn't have to say it - that two syllable word that tears us apart. Can't it be aloha? Or are we destined for goodbye?