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Hi, Kodiak. I am so sorry about the tragedy you have experienced. It is no wonder you are suffering; witnessing the aftermath of a suicide is never an inconsequential experience, especially when the subject of the suicide is someone well known to you.
I have often wondered how people who have had an experience (such as the one you have had) manage to overcome the trauma. It would not be too presumptuous to question whether or not you are suffering with some degree of post-traumatic stress sydrome. God knows, you have gone through enough of a shock to justify such a consideration.
Please understand that when your son says you are becoming bitter, etc., he is saying this from the perspective of a much younger person with a limited number of experiences. Just wait until he is your (our) age! The world has a way of turning even the most sanguine person into a bit of a cynic, don't you think? I also think your son is worried about you. He doesn't want to lose you in addition to having lost his father.
Sometimes when our children become afraid for our welfare, esp. when we are depressed, they show their concern by making an imprudent or callous remark. Although it momentarily relieves a bit of their frustration and fears, it does little to help the one at the receiving end of their words.
Do you think your children are feeling insecure and fearful about losing you as well as their father?
If there are ever going to be some times in your life where it is necessary -- no, imperative -- that you go easy on yourself, I think this would be one of them. You have just experienced a horrific situation all by yourself. Your children were not with you when you walked into the house the day you found your husband, were they? Had they been present, don't you think there is a chance they would be exhibiting many of the same symptoms you are experiencing?
It seems to me that the first hurdle for you to try to conquer is the one in which you think negatively about yourself. You are not to blame for the way you feel right now! Honestly, it seems to me that two years is not an unusually long time. For anyone to expect you to have such instant "closure" after a loved one's suicide is asking too much, I'm afraid.
There is something so impossibly finite about "suicide." Sadly, the self-centered nature of the act makes it clear that the real victims, like yourself, are forever changed. I imagine there are days when you wonder if this is all you have to look forward to in the future, and if there will ever be a day when you are not wondering, analyzing, questioning, and crying over this monumental and tragic event.
Time will lessen the frequency with which you re-live the experience and it will also dilute some of the emotions that now accompany those memories. On the other hand, you might find that the edges of some of those recollections actually grow sharper and hurt more as time goes on. (the sharp edges could be a metaphor for the way you remember having felt when the event - or certain aspects of it - occurred.)
In the meantime, perhaps there is a better-suited therapist out there for you, rather than the one you are currently seeing. Perhaps there is even a need for you to be evaluated for medication in conjunction with visits to a "talk" therapist. Also, Have you been to any support groups for family members of suicides? Or might hearing so many other peoples' sad stories being relived exacerbate your suffering?
I wish the best to you. You are going through a very trying time right now and two years hardly seems sufficient time to recover completely from the such a trauma.
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