Once again I am back. I feel so awful for using this site and people sometimes but I know we are all here to help ourselves and others. It seems like I don't know many people on here anymore. I last posted about a year ago but have been a part of this site since 2004. I always come back when I'm close to losing the battle. It's been three and a half years since I cut and although easier than at first I still struggle with the cravings daily. I feel like I'm losing control again. I feel so lost and hopeless right now. I think the only thing keeping me from cutting is my husband. He doesn't know my struggle is still so bad but I know if I started again I wouldn't be able to hide it from him. I think he'd sort of get freaked if I stopped letting him see me naked. Now all i can think of is how I might hide it. Or just go back to easier to hide coping ways, like bulimia. I'm just so scared that he'll realize something is wrong. We're halfway across the country from all my former friends (he's in the military) and I don't have anyone close enough that I'm comfortable calling at 4am. I'm terrified to call 1 800 Suicide because he might go through our phone records and look up the number since he wouldn't recognize it. When I was in college I would go and sit in my professors offices, sometimes for hours, because I knew I wouldn't hurt myself there. It was a time that I could let my guard down for a bit and regroup before heading back out into the 'real world'. I have nowhere here. Nowhere I can trust myself to just sit and be safe. I just want to shred my arm now and go to sleep. What the hell is wrong with me.