i stopped going to church when all of these memories started resurfacing and i realised what they meant. when i was younger, it didn't matter that God wasn't there, because i thought that i deserved everything that happened - that he was the one punishing me. so it would make sense that He wasn't there.

when i found out (a few years ago) that it wasn't my fault, i must admit it was a huge blow to my faith. i didn't think of it in terms of "where was He?" but more like - i believed everything my parents told me, and this was another thing they told me to believe in. our church is very brimstone + fire preachery, and everytime i went there it just reinforced the idea that *i* was the bad person, and deserved continued punishment.

in a way, i think God might understand that i am taking a 'break' from all of it right now. i do want to return to all of that in the future, but right now i am hurting too much to continue. i guess i need to be acquainted with the God who actually does care when these things happen, and to believe that i am someone he would care about. my whole life - it has been like i am only there because He wanted to punish me.