Thank you for your reply.. but can i ever be in total control or is this going to haunt me for the rest of my life?
i want them gone..to just go away .. i cant stand this anymore.
i want control. will that ever be possible?

i will try what you suggested and see how that goes ..
what will that do though?
what kind of things can i write ? just anything that comes to mind?
Art is my passion in every form .. how can i use that to know who is who and what is going on?
Ssorry for so many questions i am just tired of all this .. hope you understand .. it makes me angry inside to not be in contol.