I find that the more time goes by and the closer my appointment gets the more i am worried about digging everything out of its "box".

It took me a long long time to bury everything and be able to live a some what normal day.

Geesh a normal day?? A day spent biting my tongue when something happens and it triggers my anger and i want to break everything in sight... a normal day ... when i get in the shower and have to fight off thoughts of my bio father and just get through the shower as fast as i can ... normal day ... finding music that is harsh enough to give me the sense that my mind really isnt racing as fast as it is .. a normal day .. going to bed wondering what memories or terrors will find its way into my sleep .. a normal day ... inside wanting to find a male i can share life with while all the while chasing away any that come any where close to wanting to "be" with me .. a Normal day?? .... This ... This is the closest i have ever become to a normal day. This cant be normal. It is insane...

So if by digging out the memories that have caused all this insanity... things will get worse i imagine before they get better.... that is not something i look forward to ... It took me so long to dull it to the point it is now ... But I cant keep living like this..

For years and years i was told I have bi-polar and these emotions where just a part of that... Now they say that its not and I can conquer all of this with a lot of hard work ... For so long i thought i had reached the peak of what my life could be ... That i could control the bi-polar in a managable way ... I stopped beating the hell out of my house ... I stopped the ranting and the screaming .... But never once did I ever imagine that i could make it all "better"... (I dont know how else to explain what im trying to discribe)... ....... Now the script has been flipped. I am told i have a problem that can be worked on and a "better normal" life is out there. I have issues that can be worked through not just worked with. (if that makes any sense)

I guess I can say that I am looking forward to that day when a better tomorrow is in reach but i will admitt i am scared as hell to trudge through what brought me to this point. Scared of the memories that keep appearing. Maybe not scared of them directly so to speak but scared of the anger that I know is there. The anger is so dark and decievingly helpful when it appears. Thats what i am affraid of, not the past but of what the past brings out in me.