for me its not a case of if anymore. its a case of when. when he finally hates me enough to not get hurt..when he dumps me.. i'm going to end it. and i don't feel like its a choice anymore
i don't have control over anything any more
the compulsion to vomit. to starve. to binge.
the need to burn..to cut. to feel pain.
the tears that i cant hold back when im alone
and now the thoughts that i cant seem to stop
how i'll do it
when I'll do it.

it would be easy to end it without him...
but hes holding me back
i love him.
and i hate him.
hes all i care about anymore.
its not him im thinking about all the time
its that night with my best friends brother
its feeling the fingernails of my best friend digging into my hand so hard its bleeding
its reading those emails telling me i'm a waste of space. to die.
and its seeing the look of disappointment i cant bear to ever see.

this is me.
tired.
alone.
confused.
with no control.
my heads such a mess.