I am not sure where I should post this, I guess it could go in a lot of forums. I am learning to take my Jane to bed with me when my thoughts are quiet. She was the loving older woman who told me I was good and she was glad I was alive. I try to take her into my bed and hear her words of love and comfort. I hear her anger at the bullcrap and I see her beaming eyes upon me telling me I am a magnificent creature. I feel her holding me very tight and I feel her love still here. I need her and I am glad she can still be here for me. I feel her comfort. And then sometimes remembering she died hurts me and surprises me. I am an older woman now with big kids and a life of stuff to deal with and I have finally accepted that the love I got from my Jane was nurturing and filling. She filled my tanks many times and now I can hold her still. I cry, it hurts, it is good, I am lonely.