This is very touching and I can feel your loneliness and longing.

I would suggest you find a good therapist who knows about avoidant personality and will work with you. You can find free counseling at a university counseling center or at some community mental health centers if you can't afford it. You will probably not be able to do it with straight medical insurance because they typically only cover 6-8 sessions (or don't cover personality disorders at all), and we know that for someone with AV 6-8 sessions is barely long enough to get warmed up.

Why do I encourage you to see a therapist? Well... I knew a kid in college who was brilliant but had a personality disorder and dropped out of school. His rationale? It costs SO much, and you can read all the books free from the libraries and teach yourself all the stuff they teach you in class, so it's a waste of time and money to stay in school.

Well, you can probably guess what happened. He never got the books and he never taught himself, because in the end attempting something like that by yourself leaves you feeling overwhelming and not knowing where to start. My point is that a good therapist can gauge where you are at, what you are ready for, and break goals down in chunks you can realistically face. By yourself it sounds like you find it an insurmountable task.

Also, I would encourage you to be honest with any woman you meet, so she can go into a relationship with her eyes open. It's true that the more you tell the more you may run someone off, but it's also true that if you don't, you might be inviting more misery than happiness in your life. There are women out there who are low key, not social butterflies, patient, and kind. It's not impossible to find one and with a good therapist you might make the gradual steps to finding her. Good luck.