It would be my first impulse to write humourously about this, to make a joke of it..

But rather sensitive feelings have been evoked in me---the different facets of recognition.

I was talking with my manager today about doctors, the NHS etc. And she asked me how I was doing, and a little while later asked me if my GP had told me what *it was*. I said something about it being anti depressants I'm taking, having depression etc.
And then she says, "what is it she's told you you've got, like is it Borderline, or something....?"

Now, her tone of voice was kind of laid back and relaxed, just like we were talking about the weather. And I'm sitting there in frozen shock...I have never even mentioned BPD at work. Only depression. Unless she's been sneaking into the internet history--no, I don't go on to here at work...at all the info sites I've been browsing when its quiet...

What I said was, I don't know. Because its true. My GP has NOT given me a diagnosis. True, she identifies I'm depressed, but that's as far as it goes.

Yet I think, how much does she KNOW, my manager? How much has she SEEN about me? What does she think of me REALLY? Is she PSYCHIC? (actually, she is a little bit that way inclined).

My manager is very supportive, compassionate, non judgemental. She cares.
So, I feel grateful that I feel recognised and seen.
At some level. Because from what I said I haven't told her I'm Borderline. I'm not, not officially. But she may have gathered from my response--maybe I went white---I do that, I don't go red...it was like "She's rumbled me."
But no, she cares. Even though I would prefer her to conceptualise my suffering in a more individualised way,- as in Attachment Disorder, or Anxiety or even Depression, I feel some little bridge has been formed.

It feels raw and vulnerable. In therapy we are working with my longing to be recognised and understood.

My experience today at work was----just a different level of this...I feel....?????

And I'm feeling alone tonight.....And my internet connection is SOOOOO slow *thinking about phone bill...and so frustrated...reminds me of how it has often been difficult in my life to get my meaning through to people..and how relieved and surprised and almost shocked I am when people Do, like my therapist, understand....

Have to vacuum the flat..will do a room inbetween each room methinks.... (while I wait for pages to come up...)

sorrel