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I've been self-injuring off and on since I was about 14 (I am 35 now). When I got married in my early 20's, I managed to only S.I. a few times a year, only when I was overly stressed or sad.
The past few years have been hell. One by one, my precious cats have passed away. I used to have four; I have lost one each year until now I only have the one, and she is 14. My husband deserted me without any warning or explanation in 2007. I even lost the job that I loved because of the high gas prices.
I tried to get help a few weeks ago, I called to make an appointment with the mental health clinic, but since I don't have a specific suicide plan, they won't see me until the first week of May. That's so stupid -- if I did have a plan then I wouldn't have asked for help, I would have just done it.
Everything is just too overwhelming--I started back into my old S.I. pattern about a week ago. It's scary because I don't seem to have the control over it like I once had. I don't really expect to get much feedback from anyone, I just thought it might help me to write it all down.
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" I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth. Please don't tell me that we had that conversation, 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?
Aahh, the night is calling, and it whispers to me softly, "Come and play". Aahh, I am falling, and if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame.
I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me, but why do I feel this party's over? No pain, inside, you're like perfection, but how do I feel this good sober?" (From the song "Sober", by Pink)
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