A couple of nights ago, I sat in my room and took out one of the kitchen knives and sat for quite awhile with it against my wrists, one at a time. I even took the point and made scratches on my arms, but none were deep enough to cause any significant damage.

All I wanted to do was see red.......everywhere. The stress of constantly performing well at work is taking its toll on me - on all my tests this week, I received a 100%. The mid test is tomorrow - 300 points - on everything I have learned so far.

You would think that I would be confident of doing quite well based on my previous tests. I know I will pass.....my biggest concern is what the actual score will be. Stupidly enough, it needs to be a 100 also. I should be studying now, but I'm scared to.

If the score is not perfect, I don't know what I'll do. One of my biggest issues is that I have to do it as perfectly as is possible. Otherwise I fail and that is unacceptable. For anyone else, a score of passing (90) would be terrific - it would just destroy me to only get that.

Yesterday I worked 17 hours, today 11.......with alot of help from my pain meds. I got a wonderful review this week - which is done every Sunday as it is the end of their week - and it is faxed to the Regional Manager and the higher ups. My test scores were written on it as well.

I'm supposed to head home tomorrow after work, be back in the evening. It's a long drive and too much thinking time if I don't do well according to my standards. That worries me - I know how I will feel. If I do an excellent job, that is one hurdle down..........and many more to come [sigh].

I was never supposed to have made it this far, into this month. I have decided NOT to email my T anymore with little notes,some of my posts......but not like letters anymore. I am expecting him to have ESP I think and call me constantly, instead of just emailing me back. I feel separated from everyone these days, have for quite awhile actually....even when I am home.

The only reason I didn't really push harder into my skin the other night was because I hate the idea of being more of a pest and leaving a mess to clean up.....sorry if that produces images for anyone. The place I am in runs $500/day for anyone just wandering in off the street.....$5000/month. I read the back of the door and almost fainted.

Please say a few prayers for me - I have to do an excellent job. G*d help me if I don't.

Mary Alice