Zen

You sound so unhappy. I hope you are able to find professional help of some kind soon.

Maybe when you are out with other people, like at the store, you can look around, look for someone else who looks sad. You can make a point of walking by that person and giving them a big smile and hello. Just to acknowledge them as another person, like you would like people to do for you. You may not feel like smiling but knowing you made someone else feel "noticed" if only for a moment, might help you feel better. And I do hope you feel better soon.