All of last night, I couln't sleep because of this horrible, severe depression and its not the first time this happened. Over many years, I've tried conventional therapy, at least 10 different medications and nothing works for me except marijuana. Believe me, if I still had any left, this emotional pain and anxiety wouldn't be hurting me so much. Finding a job would be nice so I can buy more and other things that I need but every place I've tried never has anything available. Whenever I'm out of ways to keep busy, I'll have nothing to do but break down and wish that I was never born... sulking away from the past and everything else that weighs on me so much. Nobody ever seems to care but maybe its just me thinking that because I bottle up my emotions so much that nobody really knows how I feel. My mind has been so clouded and I don't have many ways of getting my true feelings out to anyone. I currently live on my own now but even when I was still living at home, its hard to talk to my family about certain things and I don't have any friends because of my trouble trusting people, and I guess all this exploding anger from my misery doesn't help attract anyone to me very much either... almost all the time, I feel so lonely and sad that I think of dying because nobody should have to live like this. The good thing is I've never acted on it and hopefully never will but my ex girlfriend dumping me after a year and a half makes it so much worse, and the fact after we made all these plans together, she leaves me over something thats totally fixable acting like stuff was all my fault. I miss her alot because she was my first and one of the only people I ever really opened up to... now, I'm lost. Her being with someone else now kills me and theres times when I really want to make her suffer but then theres times I just want to live in peace and hold her again because there was nothing more I looked forward to waking up everyday. In general, I just feel so unloved and hate my life that lately, I haven't done much but cry and sleep because I don't what else to do with myself when I have no motivation from these disabling mental illnesses. I guess it could be worse but this suffering has taken its toll on me and its hard for me to stay strong when I don't have anything or anyone to lean on. Praying works sometimes and I try not to lose faith in God but one little thing can set me off before any progress I've made goes out the window. Please help me feel better... anyone.