I didn't want to stop using and sometimes I still want to drink. I knew I had a problem with alcohol for years but I was functioning, I still had a job, was paying my bills. I kept telling myself I was drinking because work was stressful and that I'd quit next weekend. But in reality I hated my life. I hated me, I just wanted the oblivion that drinking gave me. Drinking also gave me two withdrawl seizures - I put my head through a wall during one - don't recommend that. Drinking put me in the hospital with the DT's so bad I couldn't even hold the pills they were giving me to try to get through the detox. Drinking cost me my really good job, and my driver's licence. I now joke with friends that I could give tours of my city called "great places I've thrown up." It took me finally realizing that I could die, and came pretty close to it, that drinking wasn't worth it.

Getting sober wasn't easy. Addiction is nasty it causes you to remember only the good parts so I have to constantly remember the bad parts. I have to remember how much better my life is now that I'm not drinking.

But some days I still want to drink.

Thanks to getting sobriety - I got another decent job. I got my licence back. I have friends. The time I used to spend getting drunk alone by myself, is now spent on doing fun things and hobbies. I'm not pouring money down the drain, I have self respect.

But some days I still want to drink. That's my disease. I know it's more powerful than I am. Every morning I make a choice. That I'm not going to drink. I relapsed recently and I regretted it. Fortunately I was able to stop before it got too out of control. But that scared me, because it didn't take me long to see how close I was to losing everything again. So now I'm back making my daily choice not to drink, and reminding myself every day of why I'm better off not drinking.

Addiction is scary. It kills people. Beating it is hard work. It helps to have support in stopping. But being clean and sober is worth it.

--splitimage