Well....I try my best to stay positive....but I do have couple of serious problems....I lost my job couple of weeks ago and now I'm looking for a job...the bad thing is that I'm on visa and I'm so stressed....but my lawyer told me that I'm still okay till I get a new job....I still have time....
As I lost my job, I couldn't afford my expensive appartment and I gave them notice, so I have to move out from there in two weeks!!!
Before all of these job problems happen to me, my boyfriend of two months broke up with me and left me heart broken!!!
now, we kinda back together....we've been together for couple of times and things were okay, not very good....I dont' know even if it goes anywhere....last night, he told me that all he wants in his life is just dancing, drinking and enjoying the life!!!! It didn't really bother me....I'm so busy with my problems now and I don't really have time to think about him....probably, it's better to say that I don't have time to think about him, but I do think about him....and that's the problem....
I haven't told him that I lost my job....but I told him it's a possiblity that I lose my job....
I feel I'm walking on the egg shells....not sure, what will happen to me....It's so stressful and I try to laugh and stay high sprited, but sometimes it's really difficult.....I got couple of interviews, which is good within less than two weeks....so, I'm really hopeful....
but I don't know how to handle him....It looks like I bother myself always a lot in a relationship and that's make it difficult....
like last night, we went out, watch a movie and he went in front and got himself a ticket....he wasn't doing that before....anyway, I got my ticket by myself and we watched the movie, it was good movie, comedy.....and before the movie we had couple of drinks that he got me.....
well, when we came back, he wanted to come upstairs, but he changed his mind, beacuse of not finding a parking spot....I said okay, I will go up...but I really wanted him up...so, I suddenly told him....I told him anytime you want me, you get me, but if I want you, I can't....he got upset, and he said that's not true....so he came upstairs....then in the middle of night, I kinda told him probably, it's better he leaves....so he left and he wasn't happy....I don't know what is wrong with me really....
then I saw his watch at my place and I instant message him that he can come to the Coffee Beans and get it from me.....but he didn't answer me....
I feel like a little girl who doesn't know how to behave really....and I hate the way that things are going wrong....probably, I should stop thinking about him....I really want to do that....but it's impossible....it's difficult for me....what's this obsession that is killling me...what is with it?
I try so hard to stay positive, to meditate and to be cool....but I break all of a sudden to the pieces and I cry so hard....I'm so affraid to get into depression....all I need is job and love right now....
I want to have him in my life, but I act like crazy or very cold....I don't know what to do really? I keep asking myself how comes some people have partners and lovers and husbands....why can't I have? I was divorced before and I'm 35 and he's 35....
probably, the only cure is time.....
Thanks for reading my story