I had many long, long depressive episodes over a period of years. I had thoughts of suicide for many years, but I never thought about going to the hospital because I knew I could not do it. Until the night came that I knew I could do it. I was in the hospital the next day.

That was the line for me.

Since then I had one episode that had me calling my pdoc nearly every day. He finally told me to go to the ER. I went, they said they could admit me, or I could do a daily outpatient program, which I did.

I guess the point of all this is that it has been a developing attitude for me-at first I thought I could get by, then had to relent. Now, I'm not afraid of putting myself in the hospital. The stakes are just too high.

From your post it sounds like you're having pretty serious cycles going. I would encourage you to go to the ER and take it from there.

Be strong, we pray only the best for you.