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heavenisofaraway · 11:45 PM

i FINally have come up with a fitting analogy for the metamorphasis (.."you would'nt LIKe me when i'm angry..") when my meds are weraing off, or are rendered ineffective wen i'n PMS'n..
yeah, i turn into a ****ing PUMPkin.
w/out warning (time and space never being what everyone else is expiencing) i will suddenly be lost and alone, again. wtf was i think'n i could just jump into my daily chores, or a project i already am behind on, ect..?! who the hell did i think i WAS? super-****ing mother of the year..?
i'm sitt'n there in the middle of unfinish'd multi-tasking adventures (begun in Adderall-Land, where i can take on the world) truly baffled. exhausted, my body aching, and on the verge of a panic attack.
in the past i would rage at whoever was w/in hearing range to make'm go away, so ashamed that an hour ago i was aware, efficient, concerned, compassionate, AND runn'n the house like Martha-****ing Stewart.. and now i'm in a puddle on the floor, bewildered and overwhelmed. like i used to feel for over 35 years inaccuately diagnosed and medicated with ANTI-DEPressants! i SERiously do not know how i made it through two marriages and five children feeling like THAT 24-7??
my problem still seems to be taking the meds on time or slightly b4 the last doses are wear'n, you know. i get lost in what i'm do'in and bf i know it-BAM. there i am AGAIN, on the floor in rags with little mice runn'n around and a pumpkin next to me..
the glass slipper is my only reminder that there is hope, and i can get right back on the path (if i can find it through the blurr)
i am used to it, chaos is still acceptable and even comforting sometimes.. it's my kids and my husband that are TIRED of the cinderella ride. they don't understand, but have loved me through it- thank God!
my dream is to learn how to manage some of the symptoms and maybe not even have to take alla the meds i'm currently dependent on to keep me outa the straight jacket..