I have a problem. I am feeling better right now than I have felt in ... oh, far, far too long, I'm sure. But that doesn't mean that the depression is gone, and it doesn't mean that I don't spend half my time beating back the depression so that I can get on with my life. I'm learning strategies and coping skills to keep it at bay and to recognize when it's messing with me, but I'm new to this whole "not feeling depressed" thing. And it's making my worldviews a little messed up.

You know how you get told that when you're depressed, you shouldn't make any huge decisions? Well, I think that should apply to when you're recovering from depression, too. Every time I'm confonted with a negative thought or reaction anymore, I can't figure out if it's mine, or if it's coming from the depression. I don't know how to distinguish between the two, because I've been depressed so long that I have trouble figuring out how I really feel about anything anymore. I feel like I have to get to know myself all over again, and it's both exciting and uncomfortable.

So here is my problem: I want to run. I want to get in the car, and just drive. I want to go back to Scotland, where I am always intensely homesick, stressed, and more than a little lonely. But I can't wait to get back because I can't stand being at home anymore. I can't wait to be back on my own, I can't wait not to have to hear about my brother's school/social/personality/ADD problems, I can't wait not to have to hear my other brother complain about every little thing because he thinks the world revolves around him. I can't wait to be responsible for just myself, selfish as it sounds, because it's exhausting for me to deal with anyone's expectations but my own right now. I can't wait to be nagged by my parents only once a week, from across an ocean, over the phone, instead of every night at dinner. I am willing to leave all the things I love about home behind -- my dogs, my grandparents, my friends, my bedroom, my lake, my hometown, my COUNTRY -- in order to escape all these things I feel like I just can't handle right now. And I've only been home two weeks -- how am I going to handle an entire SUMMER back under my roof, when I've barely managed to hold it together some days in my two-week holiday from classes? Is this the depression making things worse than they appear? Is this the depression making me want to run, as I know it has in the past, just abandon everything because it's too hard?

I can't figure out what I feel anymore. Can I really resent my family that much, or is this just a part of my illness distorting reality for me again? Can I seriously want to hurt my family by telling them that I am looking into alternative living arrangements for the summer because they stress me out too much? Who does that? Who is that ungrateful, when they've given me so much? Who would hurt their parents like that, when they're just doing the best they can? Is this me, or is this my depression? I can't figure it out.