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turquoisesea · Apr 06, 2009, 01:05 AM

A recent event left me with many questions in my mind.

I have continually pushed myself to participate in social situations. That's what you're "supposed" to do when you have depression. Because isolation makes things so much worse. All this time, I have been trying to force myself to keep up with the friends I had, and been failing horribly.

But, with the friends I used to have - I think being around them isn't helpful. I get flashbacks of bad times, I get super anxious before going to hang out, I don't enjoy the time I spend near them. It just makes me feel inferior, even more distanced. The friends I have are so immersed in school that about 90% of the conversation revolves around what happened in class, what piece they're playing. Which not only makes me miss it but triggers me into self loathing. And once I get back to school I will only have 6 months before they graduate.

I think, that I should give up on these friendships. They are all I had but I feel like they are in the past. I have no way to make new friends, except through my boyfriend, as I am not in school (on medical leave) and do not have a job.

So I am now planning on giving up these friendships, putting them in the past and moving on. Maybe a casual exchange when necessary, but no more. Maybe long from now I can handle it. Who knows but for now, goodbye.

Of course this goes against almost everything I've learned (ISOLATE) ... *confuzzled* I think I'm right, but...