Okay, so I need to get this out of my system somehow. When I was in therapy, I'd write these type of thoughts to my T and always felt better afterward. I'm trying to fly solo now, but it still isn't easy. I guess maybe letting go of a close relationship is the hardest thing of all for me and that wouldn't be tested until I actually left therapy, so here I am. I'm thinking that this is the last bump in the road. I just have lots of thoughts still about this and thought maybe this could be a place for me to put them. Or anyone else to put theirs and add to the discussion.

I see the client-therapist relationship as completely unique in its own right. It's different from all other relationships and yet somehow it has elements of every type of relationship to it. I don't see it as non-reciprocal at all. I think that would imply that the therapist doesn't have feelings about the therapy with any individual client and I have little doubt that they do. They aren't supposed to bring their own "stuff" in the room, but it's our stuff that helps us learn to interact in our own way. I don't think that Ts are any different. I have little doubt that each T has their own style based upon their own temperament and feelings about different things. They try to keep the client's best interests as central, but that does not mean they don't respond to the client. The therapist can't hide in that room and he/she shouldn't try to. My own T responded to my response of him. I sensed that and felt it. This was helpful to me. If I'm practicing interacting there has to be a variable in the other person's reactions or it would be like hitting a tennis ball against a brick wall.

I use the example of sitting on the floor with your newborn. The baby is a stranger to you, but you have to find a way to get to know them without them verbalizing it. It's kind of the same way for a client with their T. You use your senses and you listen and observe carefully. It's this gentle non-verbal back and forth "play"...an expression or sound...a glint in the eye...a gesture or look. The love in the room (if you happen to respond to your T that way) is more about understanding than knowing. It's the same way with parent and child. So I feel that I was in tune with him as well. How does this help me? The therapy is supposed to be about me afterall, right? Once I felt the human side of my T, I could let my own walls down and show him mine. Non-verbal understanding and acceptance. I recognized him. Once I did that, I think I could tell him anything. He let me see so I let him see.

I suppose I see transference as merely a label. It's an element in every relationship. These reactions are just a part of who we are and how we react to others in any given situation. In therapy we study those reactions and the feelings that arise from them. If we are reacting in a way that hurts us then we can try to change our reactions. Or if we are having feelings because this relationship has shown us what we want and need then we can use that information to make positive gains in our lives. I know now that I am personally craving a close, emotional relationship that has been absent in my life. But I don't think that I should distance myself from the strong feelings of affection that I feel for my T by labeling them as if they were unreal. I think I should learn and grow from them. I read something once about transference that said the feelings were more about the client than the therapist. I would be willing to bet that loving anyone always has a lot to do with ourselves and what we value and need. I still prefer to own my feelings for my T.

My T told me that I was in love with my therapist, but that the therapist was only a part of his whole person. Very true. The therapist is a part of his whole person, but his whole person is also a part of the therapist. I told him he's in that therapist. Nothing is simplistic about emotions and relationships. I think maybe psychologists should also study the mechanism that causes love to spark in the first place. In therapy the ingredients are there, I think. Being vulnerable with someone, talking about feelings and emotions, trying to connect with another human being, attunement and understanding...There is a place where I "met" my therapist. It was a place of understanding and acceptance that was mutual. It was a loving place where I healed my wounds and found hope. And I know he felt good about that because I know what that glow in his eyes meant. It's our place and it's very real. Maybe for only a short time on a narrow floor but still ours. Anyhow, that's how I feel about it. That light that I shared with him helps me to move forward and keep trying. It's something that I won't ever forget.

I guess that's enough for one long-winded post...