Im sorry. I just need to vent.

I know I need help, if not immediately then pretty damn soon. I go through phases where I don't care.. at all. I still know i need help but im at a complete loss when it comes to caring. I do self injure occasionally, in many ways. I have since birth.. idk why. Im not actively suicidal but i've thought about it alot and in depth. Suicide just seems.. painful. So.. no.

I don't understand what the big deal is. Some people like the color blue, others don't. Some people like carrots, others don't. People make choices everyday. So why is it when I choose to not like life it becomes a huge deal? This isn't an impulsive decision, i've thought about it for the greater part of 30 years. I understand that life holds many joys.. i just don't care. I really don't care to live and I really don't care to die.. Im just waiting for and end. I don't believe there is any "help" for me.

I say all of this calmly and with little to no emotion.

I've tried drugs, ssri's, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, anxiety medications, therapy, etc, etc, etc.. nothing made life remotely better, if anything "treatment" made me feel hollow and defective.. A feeling which persists to this day.

Im content in doing nothing and being nothing. Most of the time I don't even think about the normal things everyone else does... if i wasn't reminded to eat or bathe I wouldn't. Hell I forget to goto the bathroom and then 12 hours later im like "whats that pain? Oh.. ive had to pee for most of the day. I guess I should do that.." (and then get distracted to repeat the cycle til I take care of things)

I haven't seen a councilor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist in 13 years. I have seen my family physician.. once a month for a year or two. I haven't seen him in a long time now.. 8 months or so.

Hospitalization.. yea, nay.. idk. seems pointless. restriction of freedom.. not like i do much but I do love just being around my girlfriend. She is all that comforts me. Any time away from her just.. isn't good. Eventually I'd kick down doors just to be near her.. I wouldn't let anything or anyone stop me. Strangers touching me is my only trigger and I in all seriousness advise against it. The results are horrible for everyone. I cannot tolerate being touched. My skin crawls and stomach turns which makes me feel helpless and threatened. The animal inside comes out with tooth and claw bared. It will and has injured me just to feel safe (i've torn kidneys going after people who've hurt me.. they were far worse off). Large doses of sedative seem only to remove whatever restraint I have. I question what a hospital could even do in a situation like that. Scares me.. I don't want to be hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone else. In the end it takes over and it wins every time.. everyone else loses.

Oh and I absolutely love how people look at me when I say "Please, don't touch me".

Idk, im rambling.. if I had a point I forgot it long ago and im tired of re-reading all of this in an attempt to discern what point I was trying to get at. So goes my life.. constantly run over by my own train of thought. :P