Hugs ((((( MisanthropicOne ))))))
It does sound like you are very depressed. It really would be a good idea to talk to your Doctor and seek therapy. Life really doesn't need to be that bad for you. I hope you will consider seeking help and choose a path to freedom...
__________________
Pegasus
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“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein