I guess... I do get people saying I'm beautiful, but how can I believe it when my sister's always the one getting the "stunning, beautiful eyes, gorgeous" comments? It's not fair... She says she's going on a diet. WHY????!!!!! I don't know if it's just to get to me, to make me feel like I need to go on a diet... I hope not. But she would be the type to do that.

I don't know how to get release... I really, honestly don't. How? How can I see myself as beautiful? How can I release my emotions in a way that I feel is safe? The only way of releasing my emotions that I feel is safe, is cutting or not eating. If Connor found out I'm building myself up to a major, full blown starve, he'll go nuts. Not angry nuts... Just upset nuts... And that's why I can't tell him about it, can't tell him the reason I've "lost 8lbs" is because I've been restricting a lot... Yes.. Got me on the scales today... I've apparently lost 8lbs. I couldn't look. I didn't want to see how much weight I'd gained. Huh. Apparently I've LOST 8lbs. More like PUT ON 8lbs... Considering all the stuff I ate at his...

My stomach is so sore.. My head throbs, my eyes ache... I have to run breakfast club tomorrow and I know that Nick'lll say something if I don't have any breakfast. He did last time. I'd rather die trying to be thin than live and be fat. I hate being fat. I hate it!

I would link you to my homepage to prove to you how fat I am, but... Everyone will just say "that its no way the definition of fat" like someone said to me before. I just... I don't believe it. I'm sorry. I'll shut up.